Admiral bans baby from building – quickly issues apology

In what some are now calling the “Battle of the Baby,” Stargaze Command’s Admiral appears to have “learned his lesson” after banning an infant for sleeping on “critical command components.”

The incident occurred shortly after 2 p.m. at Stargaze Command Headquarters and involved a fully-vetted Baby Command Jr. General, who was alleged to have been sleeping on a deep space reconnaissance control panel, which is considered critical military infrastructure. According to bystanders, Admiral saw the baby sleeping on a console and was reported to have shouted: “Get the baby off the sensitive listening equipment! He’s drooling on everything!”

Psy-Ops Soldier Janice Kanduth, who was babysitting the little general, was “not having any of it.”

“I brought the baby to HQ because I had to,” she said. “It’s not like I’m trying to get the Admiral angry or mess up all the electronics. I was asked to babysit and I accepted. It’s my free time and I had to bring lunch to my boyfriend. Then he starts screaming at a baby. You can’t scream at a baby.”

Kanduth and the Admiral got into a heated argument over infant sleeping habits and the altercation turned physical for a brief moment until security personnel intervened.

The Admiral did not immediately respond to requests for comment, but did issue a statement via the military press core. His statement reads:

It is with deep sadness I must apologize to every single member of our armed command and one tiny little baby who didn’t know the appropriate place to sleep. I was wrong. Yelling at a baby is not okay and I feel bad for it. One day he might be leading us into glorious battle. Also, sorry to Janice Kanduth for pulling your hair. So there. I’m sorry. Now back to work.

Pilots of the 501st who were at HQ for training had mixed emotions about the ordeal. One pilot, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke to us through a mop head.

“Admiral has always said he loves kids to us flyboys when nobody’s around. But when it’s a itty-bitty baby like this was he gets all nervous and doesn’t know what to do. That’s the gods-honest truth right there.”

Another pilot said she understands why babies shouldn’t be left on the thousands of credits equipment unsupervised.

“It could hurt the equipment, a sneak attack comes in, and everybody dies,” she said. “Let’s keep the babies safe at home.”

It will be interesting to see how baby-Admiral confrontations are handled in the future. We’ll be watching.

Mathew Busard for The Command Times